To my patients:

– If I choose not to cut you open for your pain, it is not code for “You are faking it.” It is code for “I don’t think I can fix your pain with my knife.”

-Sometimes you are faking it, though.

– I don’t enjoy putting my finger in people’s bottoms, no matter how many times I choose to.

– I don’t blog identifiable things about patients. Even if they are clearly too stupid to read.

– If you are out for a smoke or drink when I come to see you, I will assume you are much improved.

To my colleagues:

– Female reproductive organs do cause pain. They really, really do. Come and see my patient.

– If you are able to diagnose patients over the phone based on my examination and history, you probably could set up an excellent telemedicine clinic. (COME AND SEE MY PATIENT)

– If you are mean to my intern, I will squash you like a bug. Don’t.

– It is not a competition to see who has the least patients. It is a competition to see who has the most satisfied, well-managed and well-informed patients.

– If you were an obstetrician/orthopod/ultrasonographer in another country, I don’t care. Don’t try to sell me your unregistered diagnosis.